I love being a mother. No doubt about it. But it has scared the crap out of me. When I first saw my son, I tried to play cool. Do what I was supposed to do. I had watched "A Baby Story" enough, so I was pretty sure I could pull off the "Oh my God, this is the happiest moment of my life!" look. And I did, I think. At first. But it wasn't long till slight hysteria set in.
I am a mom.
Like I said, terrifying. The first week of my son's life I was physically ill with how much I loved him. Mothers know what I'm talking about. The mere thought of something bad happening to him made me want to throw up. I missed him so much while I was taking a shower I felt like someone punched my lungs. You think you love someone. You think you love your mom, your dad, your significant other, but until you give birth, you have no idea what love is.
Now I understand God's love for us. How no matter how stupid I am, He can't stop loving me. I understand how something that breaks my heart breaks His, too. I understand how He would stop at nothing to provide for me. I understand how He would move mountains and vanquish enemies just to keep me safe. Just like there is nothing Lennox could ever do to make me not love him, there is nothing we can do to make God not love us.
1 John 4: 7-8: Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
I don't have all the right words to say that would provoke you to want me anymore than you already do. - Like You Promised
That being said, I really need to share some big lessons I have learned as a mom.
#1: 2-story house + newborn = TERRIBLE IDEA.
I have essentially isolated myself downstairs. The thought of walking downstairs at 3 am with a baby in my arms while I'm half asleep scares me bajezus out of me. Plus the thought of walking upstairs every time I need to change his clothes or diapers makes me yawn. Next house will be flat.
#2: Why doesn't anyone talk openly about breast-feeding? They should! (slightly TMI warning)
I had a rough time getting Lennox to latch. No one ever warned me how difficult it would be with large breasts. I cried and cried. It just wasn't happening. But I was determined that my baby was going to drink breast milk. Thanks to a good family friend, she gave me her pump and I have been able to pump all of his meals, not needing any formula. I'm satisfied with how it turned out. I can't stand, on the other hand, the critics. "Are you sure you tried every thing?" "Are you sure you didn't give up too soon?" "Have you called someone who can help?" YES, NO, and YES! I have done everything I can. Bottom line, my son is getting the best milk available. I'm satisfied.
#3: PUT THE BABY DOWN!
At first it was impossible for me to get anything done. I just could not put Lennox down unless he was sleeping. It took me a while to learn that it's okay to put him down when I need to get something done. And it's okay if he cries (he's fussing now, as a matter of fact). Yet alive.
#4: Family, family, family.
Can't do it without them.
Well that's all for now. I'll update you when I make another mistake (20 seconds from now).
I couldn't get Aaron to stay awake long enough to eat the first few days he was alive and so I became re-diculously engorged. Thank goodness there was a lady at our church who has 7 kids, all of which she breastfed, so I was able to go to her for help and support.
ReplyDeleteLove the blog. Look forward to your next post. :)
Brieee~lliant , briliant, brilliant. Love it! Write more, I look forward to reading. I feel bad I should have warned ya about the big breasted burden! Your son is gorgeous, congratulations!
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