If my thoughts were Shamu....

I'm not one of those people who blog. Well, I'm blogging, so I am, but.... you know what I mean. While I find that releasing my personal thoughts and experiences into a free-fall in cyberspace leaves me vulnerable to criticisms, questions, and what-was-she-thinkings, nonetheless, I find myself baby-talked out and in need of a release somewhere. So beware to those of you reading. If my thoughts were Shamu, you would be in the analogous "Splash Zone".

I love being a mother. No doubt about it. But it has scared the crap out of me. When I first saw my son, I tried to play cool. Do what I was supposed to do. I had watched "A Baby Story" enough, so I was pretty sure I could pull off the "Oh my God, this is the happiest moment of my life!" look. And I did, I think. At first. But it wasn't long till slight hysteria set in.

I am a mom.

I AM SOMEONE'S MOTHER! I AM THE ONE he is going to run to when he gets a scrape on the knee. I AM THE ONE he is going to yell for at 3 am when he wets his bed. I AM THE ONE the teacher is going to call to tell me he kicked another kid in the nuts. I AM THE ONE who signs all the permission slips. I AM THE ONE who will be at EVERY game, rain or shine. I AM THE ONE who will hate the woman he eventually marries because no woman could ever love him the way  I do.

Like I said, terrifying. The first week of my son's life I was physically ill with how much I loved him. Mothers know what I'm talking about. The mere thought of something bad happening to him made me want to throw up. I missed him so much while I was taking a shower I felt like someone punched my lungs. You think you love someone. You think you love your mom, your dad, your significant other, but until you give birth, you have no idea what love is.

Now I understand God's love for us. How no matter how stupid I am, He can't stop loving me. I understand how something that breaks my heart breaks His, too. I understand how He would stop at nothing to provide for me. I understand how He would move mountains and vanquish enemies just to keep me safe. Just like there is nothing Lennox could ever do to make me not love him, there is nothing we can do to make God not love us.

1 John 4: 7-8: Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

I don't have all the right words to say that would provoke you to want me anymore than you already do. - Like You Promised 

That being said, I really need to share some big lessons I have learned as a mom.

#1: 2-story house + newborn = TERRIBLE IDEA.
I have essentially isolated myself downstairs. The thought of walking downstairs at 3 am with a baby in my arms while I'm half asleep scares me bajezus out of me. Plus the thought of walking upstairs every time I need to change his clothes or diapers makes me yawn. Next house will be flat.

#2: Why doesn't anyone talk openly about breast-feeding? They should! (slightly TMI warning)
I had a rough time getting Lennox to latch. No one ever warned me how difficult it would be with large breasts. I cried and cried. It just wasn't happening. But I was determined that my baby was going to drink breast milk. Thanks to a good family friend, she gave me her pump and I have been able to pump all of his meals, not needing any formula. I'm satisfied with how it turned out. I can't stand, on the other hand, the critics. "Are you sure you tried every thing?" "Are you sure you didn't give up too soon?" "Have you called someone who can help?" YES, NO, and YES! I have done everything I can. Bottom line, my son is getting the best milk available. I'm satisfied.

#3: PUT THE BABY DOWN!
At first it was impossible for me to get anything done. I just could not put Lennox down unless he was sleeping. It took me a while to learn that it's okay to put him down when I need to get something done. And it's okay if he cries (he's fussing now, as a matter of fact). Yet alive.

#4: Family, family, family.
Can't do it without them.

Well that's all for now. I'll update you when I make another mistake (20 seconds from now).