"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." -Groucho Marx
If I were a crafty person, there is no doubt I would slap this sucker above my bathroom mirror in some sort of decorative fashion. There is something so inspiring and empowering about this quote. As I play it over and over again in my mind, I wonder if I have the will to put it into practice. Do I believe I can control my destiny? Sure. But do I put any effort towards taking control? I want the answer to be yes, but I think the truth is that I don't.
Anyone who finds themselves in a situation similar to mine- or any consuming tribulation, really- will tell you seeing past the past is extremely difficult. I find it a grinding chore to pay any mind to the future, much less today or tomorrow. At the end of the day, as I lay in bed, I can only congratulate myself on being alive at the end of it.
I remember seeing Napoleon Dynamite in theaters. I also remember falling asleep. At first I hated that movie so much, but after it became a cult classic, I was so on board. I knew Napoleon's entire moon-shoe dance without even realizing I had memorized it. One of the plot lines in the movie is Napoleon's uncle, who is desperately seeking a method of time travel. He is so consumed with a detrimental mistake he made during a high school football game that, in his opinion, cost him his football career. If he could only go back to that moment in time and correct the mistake, he could have the life he always dreamed of. Taken at face value, it's supposed to funny (and I apply the term "funny" loosely). The idea of someone so preoccupied with a small moment in time seems ridiculous and pathetic.
I guess I'm ridiculous and pathetic.
There's always that moment. That moment when everything could have changed if I had done something differently. Just one thing differently.
Did you know that the odds of being in a fatal car accident are 1 in 23,000? If that were the odds of a jackpot lottery drawing, there wouldn't be enough trees for paper to print tickets. Seeing as how you are reading this, I think it's safe to assume that you have not been the victim of a fatal car accident. You might have been involved in an accident in which someone else was killed, or someone you know or loved as been killed, but not you yourself. So every single time the decisions you made while driving were what we will label as "successful". Let's assume for a second that you subscribe to thought of parallel universes in which there is another "you" who just makes different decisions. Maybe that other "you" decided to stop for coffee that one time you didn't, which resulted in a fatal car accident. Or maybe the other "you" filled up on gas before the light came on, whereas you waited until the last minute, and "you"'s productivity was rewarded with death. Seems a bit extreme, I understand, but you have to admit: it makes you wonder. Every moment of our entire life has such definitive consequences.
My point being: I can't regret the mistakes I've made. I have to step back and think about how truly blessed I am in my life. For one thing, I'm alive, and so are the people I love most. I have my healthy, beautiful son. I am almost done with school, and soon to embark on a career that I love. I don't have money, but I have more than what I need. Just like every decision I have made behind the wheel has kept me alive, every single decision I have made in life has brought me to these blessings.
You can't imagine how many dumb decisions I have made. Seriously. It's so embarrassing. But if I were given the opportunity to go back in time to change them, would I? I'm not going to lie, I would be seriously tempted. Unbelievably tempted. But I wouldn't be where I am now if I did. I wouldn't have Lennox. I wouldn't have learned the heart-breaking lessons that I have. I would be living a life of no mistakes, and I'm not really sure I want that life.
So today. Can I really be happy today? Can I accept the fact that there is no magical time machine, and if there was, there is a good chance I would hate the life resulting from using it? I know I need to forget the past and be happy. But can I?
I can't change what I've done, and neither can you. Should we continue to base our decisions off of decisions we've made in the past? What good would that do? "I've failed to make the right decision before, so I should keep failing? Screwed once... so I'm screwed forever?"
Do the people around you keep reminding you of the wrong decisions you've made? Causing you to re-live the guilt over and over again? Screw 'em. THEY'RE NOT YOU. And they're not me. They didn't make the decisions we made, and are not dealing with the consequences like we are dealing with them. Should we give them the authority to chain us to wall of our mistakes? It sounds ridiculous when you say it aloud, but it's so easy to do. I have heard a few "I told you so"s, and that's not including the ones I know people are saying inside their head. They need to mind their own. I'm taking care of business, with or without their criticism.
I have my today. Nobody else has my today. I didn't make those decisions today. I made them yesterday. Lesson learned. Tomorrow will be better, because I'm not making those decisions today.
"I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back." - Philippians 3:13-14, The Message
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